change

hey, assalamualaikum :) do u ever think that change is crucial for your life? I always wanted to change. But scared to, or dont have the gut to let go of the past and start new. I mean, i was scared. I scared that whatever things that im going through in the future doesnt excite me anymore. I have wonderful past, i think so. Until one fine day, i felt like the world was against me. The feelings was unstoppable. I dont know how to feel alive. I cried at 6pm, I cried at 3am. I felt that nobody were going to understand me, the most scary part was i dont even know myself. The weep was more easier than being strong.

Easch one of us has our own story to tell. The struggle that we try to overcome. The sin that we repent last night, seems like we still do it today. I mean, we human. I am not good with religion, but im glad that i'd raised by a family that hold tight with our religion. We still have faith. The faith that keep me going. I know some day im gonna be okay. But u never going to be okay if u dont change whats broken. How to heal your heart if u dont pick the pieces of your heart and mend them together. Its not other people are going to repair yourself, its you. Its never be anybody else. But its nice to have someone here and there, but you dont depend on other people that much, especially for your happiness.

I struggle a lot to find my identity. I dont know what i want in life, i dont have goals. Too focusing for my surrounding, the people that demand me to make themselves feel good until i felt that i dont even owned myself. People dont respect me. They do whatever the fuck that they want, play the guilt card with me. Man i was naive, i thought that everyone were being nice to me as long as they wanted to be friend with me. Little that i know they were taking advantage of me.

One day i was reading this book from our local writer Teme Abdullah. His book was about his journey study abroad. How he worked hard to paid his tution fee. How his friend betrayed him and took all the money that he had to paid for the fee. The struggle that he felt, the dream to get his education, i look at myself and i was 21 years old, dont have a job, dont even graduate, already planned to get married with someone. I dont condem the young couple who get married, in fact i respect them. They have this braveness to take huge responsibilities in a young age. But i dont see myself doing that. I watched my siblings growing up, my parents become old day by day, the struggle of my dad raised us with his own daya kudrat financially. Man i dont know if i can do that, im not ready. So here i am, begging myself to change for better self.

I need to change the way my brain works act on something that happend in my life. The way i interact with people, the way i study, basically every angle of circumstances in my life and not being this old me. Still, trying is hard. But in order to fail is for you to stop planning, so i guess i need to continue planning for my next goal everyday until i die.